


Walking Down That Path, Help I Don't Know Where to go

by liestotheheart (liesunheardof)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Future Fic, Joshua centric, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-23 17:10:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9667535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liesunheardof/pseuds/liestotheheart
Summary: When your relationship isn’t much of one anymore and the bonds of brotherhood no longer feels the same what do you do? Joshua leaves Korea for some down time, away from the group, his now ex-boyfriend, and the feeling that he just doesn’t quite belong anymore. Things come to a head way when the group makes their way to him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so this is set about 5 years into their contract. this all came from my imagination and was inspired by the times he was left out from vocal unit. More joshua centric than relationship centric. but the relationship will play a relatively large part.
> 
> Warnings: Mental health issues, panic disorder, Joshua takes some pills for panic disorder, not completely accurate depictions of panic disorder
> 
> I may have gotten my bachelors in psychology but i'm not a professional
> 
> This a repost/crosspost from my AFF account. It was on AFF for a long time and I thought maybe some people might like it here so I'm finally posting it here. Because I do have stories on there that I've only ever posted on Asianfanfics, this being one until today.

Another snap of the camera went off, another pose, another fix of the hair.

“Turn to the left just a bit more,” the photographer said.

He shifted.

“Perfect. Now give me the sexy look.”

With a smolder in his eyes, he tilted his head back.

The camera shutter went off with the photographer giving his approval.

As the last click went off, he dropped the smolder and the pose.

“Perfect. Today was great Joshua,” he said clapping him on the back.

Joshua smiled. “Thank you,” he said bowing.

“I think the interviewer is over there waiting for you. These shots are great. This issue will sell. And congrats on the new role. I heard you aren’t filming yet?”

“No, not yet. They’re still holding auditions for other roles,” Joshua said with a shake of his head.

The photographer nodded. “Hmm. I see. Can’t wait to see you in the drama.” He waved goodbye. “Better get to the interviewer before they ring my neck.”

Laughing Joshua nodded, bowing one more time to the staff. “Thank you for your hard work.” He walked over to his dressing room, taking off the clothes and handing it back to the stylist. Joshua put back on his plain t-shirt and jeans, bowing and saying his goodbyes. Walking out of the room a staff member motioned for him to follow, leading him to a small room with couches, a table and some plants.

“Joshua, hi. I saw the photoshoot. You were amazing,” she said.

“Thank you,” Joshua replied. She seemed rather energetic. Hopefully the interview wouldn’t take long and he could get back to his vacation. Lovely of his company to spring a job on him, but he did say he’d take the jobs if they were in the area in exchange for his one month vacation with the possibility of extension.

Turning on the recorder she said, “So let’s get started. Joshua Hong interview, 2021, June 20.” She turned to him, “Congratulations on the new role. Saw the news on you passing the auditions for it. It must feel like quite the accomplishment,” she said.

“It is,” he replied. “I spent a lot of my time preparing and taking classes. I’ve only been doing small roles and this will be my first lead role.” It was finally something he could sink his teeth into. Even with all the fame that came along with his last drama, a lead role meant a lot of things could open for him.

“And then there’s the movie that’s going to Cannes. You’re invited as well correct?” She asked.

“Yes. Despite me playing a side character I received an invitation.” One that came as a shock really. He had taken the role as a favor and now the movie was growing rather large.

“Some say that this could be your stepping stone into Hollywood. Since you are native to LA and all. Does that surprise you? Or excite you?”

He blinked. “It’s a surprise. I don’t read the articles on speculations. I don’t think I’m anywhere near that level or rather I don’t think I’d fit in the small roles. They don’t tend to look for Asian actors and they’re plenty of other Asian American actors out there who are probably more experienced than me.”

“Well among the members of your group you dominate in the acting field and Jun dominates acting in China. It’s not a surprise that the news is all over your success lately.”

Joshua blushed. Even after almost two years of acting it was embarrassing to hear. “Thank you. But it’s still very new.”

“What brings you back to LA? It fit into our theme and schedule but it’s a surprise to see you here rather than back in Korea. Seventeen is just a few months fresh off a comeback. Wouldn’t you have schedules for things?”

“I’ve finished all the work on the group schedule and my own individual schedule,” he gave a sheepish smile, “it’s been a very hard several months with me filming and then working for the group comeback and doing different shows simultaneously promoting the drama and the group’s song. I asked for a vacation and was granted some time off.” His eyes dropped to his hands, “I immediately came back to LA. I haven’t seen my mom in over a year. So I’m back.”

“Oh,” she said softly. “It must be tough to live so far from your family.”

Shrugging, he moved back into the couch a bit, “I knew what I signed up for. The distance was hard at first but I got used to it. It’s just that I got a lot busier so taking time to see my family was harder and scarce. It’s nice that I can be here now.”

She nodded. “How hard was it to transition from being an idol to being an actor and then back into an idol for your schedules?”

“When I first started acting it was hard. Now it’s just remembering to talk about the right topics and which show I’m on,” he said with a laugh. “Once I accidentally did Seventeen’s greeting on a show while promoting for ‘Don’t Leave me Please’, it would’ve been fine but I literally did the whole thing. That was embarrassing.”

“Ah, on Entertainment Weekly correct?”

Joshua nodded, face reddening a bit.

“The fans thought it was cute and the MCs did find it funny,” the interviewer pointed out.

“Yes but it added extra time and it doesn’t quite have the impact that it normally does when all of us do it. I had to learn to just introduce myself as Joshua from Seventeen or just Joshua.”

“That time when they just introduced you as Joshua on 1000 songs, how did that feel? You weren’t promoting as an actor then but as a member of Seventeen. Did it hurt?”

God damn. She had to bring that up. “It was a mistake. Or rather the public knows me as Joshua more than they know me as Joshua from the boy group Seventeen. So the MC introduced me like that even when I was with a few members from the group.” He folded his hands, “It hurt at first to know that my work as an actor was more acknowledged than my work as a member of the group. Even now when I go out people know me from my acting roles rather than the group songs. It’s like a double edged sword. Being known for one thing but not another. I guess I just have to work harder at being a member of Seventeen.”

“What do your group mates have to say about your recent success?”

Nothing. They had nothing to say anymore. They might live in the same house but they rarely interacted anymore. Joshua was out a lot and when he wasn’t they were out. If they had free time it was only a few members rather than the whole entirety. The only time they were as one, it was during music broadcasts and even then it seemed like he was no longer as close to them anymore. Granted a few of them congratulated him. But it felt like their bond as brothers, as family was breaking apart. He didn’t know if it was the combination of him working more, or the fact that while he worked they grew closer as he grew more distant from them. Maybe they resented him or hated that he was acting so much rather than devoting all of his time into the group. But they never brought it up during their talks and neither did he. He wasn’t even there for some of their talks either. Goodness knows what they were saying about him.

“They congratulated me and Vernon and Hoshi sent a food truck to the filming area in my name. It was nice.”

“How does Seventeen deal with things like jealously and perhaps resentment for the members who have more work than they do?”

“We have nightly talks. Bring up our grievances. Things like that.” Lies. He never brought up his grievances, not anymore. He didn’t know if they were real or in his head and Joshua didn’t want to start trouble if there were none. Him not being there on occasion also didn’t help.

“Now one last question. Are you dating?”

Joshua laughed, hard. “Goodness no. I don’t have the time for it. I’m so busy with juggling the acting and the comebacks.”

“Are you lying?”

“Are you accusing me?” He asked, eyebrow raised. “I’m not.”

She laughed and shook her head. “Thank you for your time Joshua-ssi.”

Joshua bowed. “Thank you for your hard work. It was a pleasure.”

He left after her, giving the staff that were still there a final bow. He needed to leave now. Joshua needed air and he just needed to be away.

He didn’t lie when he said he wasn’t dating. He just happened to be no longer dating. Climbing into his car, he breathed deeply, turning on the ignition, backing out. Joshua calmly drove to his apartment, bought from savings and the revenue he made off his café back in Korea. Parking, he got out of the car bounding up the stairs. He needed to get inside. His breathing quickened, shortening his breath, his heart raced. Opening the door, he blinked, closing his eyes as he shut the door and slid down.

Clenching his hand around his knees, Joshua clumsily locked the door with his free hand. Tears fell. He hadn’t been lying on that interview. He wasn’t dating, not anymore. In the midst of all this Joshua ended his two year relationship with a text and a plane ticket out of the country. One text to Jeonghan saying I’m breaking up with you. No more no less.

His leaned back, letting his head hit the door. Their relationship was dying, died more or less. The bond between the group and him felt tenuous at best and the bond between him and Jeonghan no longer felt like it was there. Joshua was out doing work, Jeonghan was out doing work. When they worked together, when they were at home together, it felt like Jeonghan avoided him and for once in his entire career as a member of Seventeen, Joshua never felt so alone in a room with twelve other guys.

Jeonghan didn’t seem to want to end the damn relationship so Joshua did that day he left Korea for this _vacation_.

* * *

 Tired of feeling like he no longer belonged like he no longer included, was no longer loved by his own boyfriend, of the constant work, Joshua woke up in his room in their shared house in Korea and went to the company. He straight up asked the CEO for time off and offered to do work as long as it was close enough to him in LA. Luckily his request was granted. Joshua booked a ticket out and went back to the house to pack.

It felt cowardly to run away. But it wasn’t running away precisely. It was a vacation, recuperation. Time for his body, his mind, his heart, to get rest away from the people that were hurting him, unintentionally or not. Joshua needed time to think about the group, his acting work, how he would deal with the aftermath of what he was going to do. He needed time.

In the midst of his packing Vernon came home, interrupting him. “What’s up Josh? Another job overseas?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head as he threw a t shirt into the suitcase. “Going back home to LA.”

“LA? Vacation? The CEO gave you a vacation?”

“Yea,” Joshua nodded. Chucking a shirt that belonged to Jeonghan back on the bed. He wasn’t going to take that with him.

“How long?” He leaned against Joshua’s dresser. “You haven’t been around that much. But then again I think it’s because we’ve been missing each other thanks to the clashing schedules.”

“A month at the least. He let me have a month.” Turing around to look at Vernon. “And while yes the schedules sometimes clashed, you guys weren’t exactly welcoming during our music broadcasts either you know. Unless I was imagining things.”

“A month!?” He sputtered, “We have not.”

“I’m not going to argue with you on what I feel. I might have been imagining things. But whatever the hell it was I can’t deal with it. Not now. I need time to rest. My body aches like I haven’t slept in months and I haven’t. I can’t rest here.”

Vernon grabbed his arm, “No. We need to talk about what you’re feeling. If we’ve been making you feel left out you need to tell us.”

Wrenching his arm out of Vernon’s hand, he said, “And have some of them tell me to grow up and that you guys aren’t? Even if I feel like it is? I don’t think so. I honestly don’t even know if I’m feeling oversensitive or not. I can’t even tell anymore. It’s just too much. I need time to reevaluate everything. Away from all of you.”

“We haven’t. I swear.”

“Maybe not you Vernon. And maybe not intentionally but seeing DK turn away from me when I asked him something. Or having Jeonghan ignore me when I needed to talk. Scoups not look my way when I called him and I was the only there. I just don’t know,” he shook his head, zipping up the suitcase. “Whatever the fuck issues you guys have with me you haven’t brought it up and I just can’t deal with it. It's hard to want to share when it feels like I'm unwanted.” He says with a brittle smile. “I feel like I'm being too sensitive but at the same time I feel justified.”

“Josh,” Vernon said softly.

Joshua clapped him on the shoulder. “You and I will always be close. But in this case I can’t, won’t talk to you. I got to go. My plane is leaving soon.”

“You’re not leaving are you? The group?” He asked, voice sounding vulnerable, even with all he had grown.

“No. I won’t be cutting the contract early. I just don’t know about renewal.” Joshua didn’t know what to do now. But they still had two years left on it.

“Let’s talk about this with the rest of the group. We love you,” Vernon pleaded.

Joshua looked at him, eyes sad. “Can I say that right now that feels questionable. Not from you but from some of the others I just don’t know anymore. I need to go home. To think. To rest.”

Home. Joshua spoke of LA like it was his true home. And that this house that they all had spent money on wasn’t his home. That the life he made here in Korea with them wasn’t home. What the hell made him feel like this? Fuck, Vernon thought.

“Joshua,” Vernon said.

“I’ve got to go. I’ll be back when I’ve thought things through or work brings me back.”

“And the others?”

“I already said I was going to LA in the group chat. If you hadn’t noticed.  Just not what for.”

“What’d you tell Jeonghan? You know your boyfriend.”

Joshua’s lips thinned. “I told him I’m breaking up with him. If anyone’s cold feelings towards me is the worst, it’s his. It feels like a betrayal and I— “he broke off.

“Did he say anything?”

“I wonder if he even reads my messages anymore,” Joshua said with a harsh laugh. “It doesn’t matter. We haven’t kissed. We haven’t talked. I can’t even remember the last time we had sex. I think we’re done. Me telling him is just a way of sealing the deal with actual words. He can do whatever now.”

“Hey,” Vernon said, clearly at a loss.

“I’ll be back,” Joshua said, patting Vernon on the head. The poor boy looked like he wanted to throw up. “I will. Promise.”

Vernon nodded. “Ok. I trust you. You never go back on your promises.”

* * *

Too bad at this moment Joshua felt like backing out of his promise. Three weeks into his vacation and he felt no better. He felt rested. But his heart felt heavy still. He probably should’ve stayed to hash things out, but everything was just overwhelming. The pressure to stay in the group, to do well in his acting, to keep up with the rest of the vocal unit, with the dancing, with his many appearances.

He felt the weight on his shoulders and he was breaking. He felt like he lost some pillars of what held him up, with some members being cold while others were the same. Joshua felt like he only had himself now and he hadn’t had only himself in a long time. He was breaking and pieces of himself were everywhere but he no longer had anyone to help him pick them up.

Gasping he stood up, making his way to the kitchen on shaky legs. He felt like his throat closed and he couldn’t breathe, his heart pounding fast. Joshua grabbed the bottle of benzodiazepines that he was prescribed when he visited the doctor upon his mom’s request. Opening it with shaking hands, he shook out a pill and dry swallowed, holding onto the counter.

Honestly he felt humiliated at having to even have to go to the psychiatrist, let alone get told he had an anxiety issue, probably with the upheaval of change that had happened to him lately and, “These are low dose pills Joshua. Only for extreme attacks. Your panic disorder is unlikely to stay once the things causing you the stress are fixed or go away. Be careful, the pills work fast but are highly addictive.”

Joshua nodded. He hadn’t taken more than three pills since he was here. Often times he gritted his teeth and waited for the panic attack to die down. But today it felt like he was going to die from not being able to breathe if he hadn’t taken a pill soon. He moved slowly to the couch, curling up on it trying to still his shaking as he waited for the drug to work through his system.

How could he go back to Korea like this? If he had to halt work because he had a panic attack and he fell apart. The fact that he had done so well hiding the symptoms and worked through the attacks was a miracle for the last year. Then again he hadn’t put a name to it, until now. All Joshua had known was that it wasn’t normal and it wasn’t anything good but he powered through it, almost always alone, unwilling to let anyone see him in his weakness and with no one being around when he had them.

The doctor suggested behavioral therapy, which he was doing, twice a week. But he wasn’t healing quick enough. He could ask the extend the vacation another month, but soon Joshua had to back in Korea to film his new drama and the press promos for the film that was being shown in Cannes. He had to get it together.

Gripping his arms hard to stop the trembling, he choked on a sob, tears falling.

* * *

Vernon checked his phone, constantly lately. No word from Joshua. Not a single peep. All he had gotten was a single photo posted on Joshua’s Instagram taken 2 weeks ago. A picture of the sunset with the caption back in LA for work and a stupid smiley face. Since then nothing. No text. No call. Nothing. He was getting worried.

And he was starting to see what Joshua was talking about. No one batted an eyelash when they found out Joshua left. Scoups and Jeonghan mentioned nothing. Jeonghan especially said nothing about Joshua and him breaking up. Vernon was the only one who knew and that’s because Joshua had told him before he left. The fact that he hadn’t mentioned it at all was weird. And the lack of whining of missing his boyfriend also started to ring alarm bells in his head.

Hoshi would occasionally text and ask Joshua how he was doing but he also got no replies. Wonwoo rumbled about missing Joshua, especially since it was their break time and Joshua should’ve been with them too. Jihoon mentioned nothing.

Jun did the same but despite his silence he would look to Joshua’s closed door on occasion with a bite to his lips. Vernon knew that the two had gotten close with the acting work being a bond. Now that Jun was on his off time, him and Joshua would normally take classes together or have fun with their old scripts acting as other characters. But now Joshua wasn’t here.

DK seemed perfectly normal, like Joshua never existed. Mingyu and Minghao made small noises of sadness but seemed too used to the fact that Joshua was gone. Seungkwan seemed to be doing the same thing like Jeonghan. Dino commented on how this was supposed to be time off to hang out with each other but Joshua wasn’t here and how sad it was.

Each member was flitting in and out of the house, going home or doing things. Even when they were all there minus Joshua everyone seemed to attached to one thing or another to focus on each other. Besides the ones who had super close bonds.

None of this was right. It was like they were ok with the amount of distance they were showing each other. Even when they lived together. What happened to their idea of being together as a group for a long time? Where was that sense of camaraderie now?

“Hey, Hoshi hyung can we talk?”

“Sure Vernon,” Hoshi said, jumping off the couch, following him.

Vernon stepped into his room, locking it to make sure no one would come in. “Do you want to go to LA with me?”

“Huh?” Hoshi said, blinking.

“LA. I’m worried about Josh. I was here right before he left and he wasn’t in a good place. He mentioned feeling like he was being left out and the members were ignoring him and honestly from the last three weeks it does look like they’re not caring that he’s been gone this long. And vocal unit. They seem cold about him being awol. Why?”

“I have no idea about vocal unit being cold,” he stopped, snapping his fingers, “Woozi mentioned that Joshua missed a few practices for his drama shooting. He muttered something about having to talk to him about it and wondering if Joshua felt like his acting was more important. But I’m not sure what happened. He never brought it up during our nightly talks.” Hoshi looked at Vernon seriously, “Why are you worried about Joshua?”

“He mentioned something about thinking about when it was time to renew that he might not,” Vernon whispered. “He kept saying that he felt like he wasn’t welcome anymore. And I can feel it too.” He burst out, trying to keep his voice low, “No one cares that he’s been gone for a long time and that he won’t answer his texts or the calls. I’m seriously worried.”

Hoshi nodded. “You’re right. Even when he’s busy he answers texts. He hasn’t been doing any of that at all. And I didn’t know he felt that. Shit. Where did we go wrong?” Shaking his head Hoshi said, “Yea. Let’s go to LA and see what’s up. Let me call the CEO and ask now.”

“Should we ask Jun to go with us? I can see he’s worried too.”

Hoshi nodded silently. Perking up as his call went through. “Ah, President? I was wondering if I could go to LA with Vernon and Jun. We were talking about going to visit Joshua.” He nodded listening. “We can go. As long as we come back in time for next month’s schedule for the photoshoot. Thank you sir. We will. Bye.”

Hoshi held his thumb up.

Vernon sighed in relief. “Let me book the next flight out. I can’t stay here without worrying to death.”

“Let me ask Jun then. Check the next available time we can make it there at a reasonable time.”

Hoshi left the room, while Vernon went on his phone checking out times and flights while simultaneously grabbing his suitcase. Unzipping it, he started to throw clothes inside haphazardly. Jun and Hoshi came in while he was stuffing another t shirt into the thing.

“You’re coming?” Vernon asked.

“Yea. I could tell through that façade that something was eating at him. He’s breaking inside and he’ll need support,” Jun said.

“Cool. Go pack. We can make the flight at 8 tonight and be there in the afternoon. I’ve got the tickets already on my phone,” Vernon replied.

Hoshi ruffled his hair. “When did you grow so mature Vernonie?”

“With my growth spurt,” he deadpanned back.

The two of them laughed.

Quieting down Hoshi said, “Let’s go pack Jun. I don’t like the way this smells. Joshua is never this quiet.”

* * *

Joshua felt someone shake him awake. “Go’way,” he mumbled.

“Joshua, dude,” someone said.

“Go away Vernon. I’m tired.”

“Ok. Wow you’re out of it,” Vernon said. “Wait right here.”

Joshua settled back into his couch, hearing the tap run.

“Sorry to do this to you but you aren’t being cooperative,” Vernon said.

A small torrent of water came down on Joshua, making him bolt upwards.

“What the hell?!” He looked up to see Brandon with a smirk on his face.

“You weren’t waking up ok. Now you’re awake and wet.”

“Dude,” Joshua said, incredulous.

“If you didn’t wake up then we can’t make it to Disneyland. Come on. You can’t mope here in your apartment about your shit with the group. Let’s have some fun.”

“At least people won’t recognize me there,” Joshua said getting up. “And wipe my couch would you. If you damage it because of the water you’re buying me a new one.”

“No way,” Brandon protested. “You’re couch was expensive.”

“Yea, well you shouldn’t have thrown water on me then,” Joshua yelled as he walked to his room.

As he stripped and dried his hair, he heard Brandon go, “Well if you woke up quicker and didn’t call me Vernon I wouldn’t have done that.”

“You sound a bit like him ok?!” Joshua yelled back pulling on a fresh pair of jeans and a new t shirt. Grabbing a sweatshirt along with his wallet and keys.

“You shouldn’t be thinking about them at all. Especially with the way they treated you,” Brandon pointed out, waiting for Joshua to put on his shoes, looking at the bottle on the counter.

“Vernon is cool. He didn’t treat me badly,” Joshua said shrugging.

“No. It was your boyfriend. No your ex-boyfriend,” Brandon said, with a hint of anger. “For a guy who turned you away from the life of a regular church dude. He certainly is cold isn’t he. The bastard. Ignoring you and shit. Fucker.”

Joshua sighed. “It’s ok Brandon. I’m dealing with it.”

“With anti-anxiety pills,” he hissed. “If I saw them now I swear I’d hit them.”

Grabbing Brandon by the shoulder he said, “Let’s go have some fun. Get my mind off Korea and my new little problem yea?”

Brandon looked at him and nodded. “Yea. Let’s go take pictures with Mickey and some princesses. And buy you some nice Minnie Mouse ears. Take an Instagram pic for your fans and followers.”

“And get some expensive Disneyland treats to stuff my face with. I’m due for some weight gain. My stylist cries every time I lose weight.”

“Let’s stuff your pretty face with sweets and shit then my friend.”

* * *

“Where are you three going?” Dino asked.

“On a trip,” Hoshi replied.

“Yea, but where,” Seungkwan asked.

“LA. To visit Joshua,” Jun said, placing his shoes on.

“What for?” Jeonghan asked.

If Vernon strained his ears, he could hear an undercurrent of resentment. “Because I miss him that’s why. If you don’t that’s your problem. I miss him so I’m going to see him and hang out with him. Have fun on your break Jeonghan hyung.” He jammed his shoes on. Going out the door with Hoshi and Jun.

“Hey! Have you squared this away with management?” Scoups asked.

“Yea. We did. Bye.”

“You’re leaving too?” Wonwoo asked.

“To visit Joshua hyung,” Jun answered.

“Can I come?” Wonwoo asked.

“And me,” Mingyu chimed in.

“Hey, don’t leave me, “Minghao yelled.

“You think the president is going to approve all of you to go to LA without management?”

“Call and ask,” Hoshi said. “I don’t know about our flight but you might be able to make a later one if you hurry.”

“No,” Scoups said. “We can’t have that many members leaving at once. We’d get caught. If you guys want to go you’ll have to wait until a few days later.”

“Well we have a flight to catch so bye,” Vernon said waving at them.

“We’ll see you in LA,” Mingyu said with excitement. “President will let us go. No problem.”

“Uh huh. Message if you do get to go.”


	2. You're seeing me, but you're looking right through me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inaccurate descriptions of panic attacks, i think, but yea i'll say inaccurate

“First things first. You need a headband,” Brandon declared as they walked into Disneyland.

Joshua laughed. “Why does it have to be first?”

“So you can wear it the whole time we’re here and if a fan passes by they’ll want pics and these will be immortalized all over the internet,” Brandon said, dragging Joshua into the stores.

“You want to be bombarded by my fans?” Joshua asked teasingly.

“Nah. But one or two might actually recognize you and stop us. I’ll be the designated picture taker. Nothing new,” Brandon said, picking up a headband and placing it back. He picked up a headband with Minnie Mouse ears and a veil. “Here, the perfect one,” he said with a teasing grin. “You’ll be a princess.”

Joshua’s heart stopped. It was just a stupid thing. It had a minor special meaning to him, just a little pet name and yet here he was feeling a bit sick over it.

Brandon looked at him, seeing the dread that flashed in his eyes. “What’s wrong? Too much?”

He shook his head. “A little too close. He used to call…” Joshua said trailing off.

“Really?” Brandon googled at him. “You two were weird.”

“It was a thing ok,” he said defending himself. Quietly he repeated, “It was a thing.”

It was _their_ thing. The first time they had anal sex, Joshua whined up a storm the next morning. He hurt enough where even lying down was mildly uncomfortable. The pain shooting up from his backside had him pouting the entire day, ordering Jeonghan around for doing that to him. In all the laughter and the waiting on Joshua hand and foot, Jeonghan jokingly said that Joshua was acting like a spoiled princess.

“A princess. That’s what you are,” he said with a smirk.

Whining Joshua denied it, “I’m not a princess!” Pity his voice was hoarse, otherwise he’d scream at Jeonghan. Too much screaming from last night and all those noises he couldn’t keep in.

Jeonghan laughed, getting back on the bed. Kissing Joshua on his forehead, moving to his eyes, to his nose, his cheeks, and lastly to his lips, “You are a princess. My princess.”

It melted Joshua’s a heart a little. But he pushed Jeonghan anyway. “M’not!”

The bastard laughed. Saying over and over again that Joshua was spoiled and a princess.

From there he would call Joshua that on occasion, say it out loud in front of the other guys, and in bed he’d whisper it to Joshua reveling in his whimpers. The fucker.

It stopped being a thing when they stopped being a thing. No, before they stopped being a couple. It had stopped when Joshua came home late and Jeonghan no longer climbed into his bed, when Joshua stopped going to him out of worry that he would steal what little sleep Jeonghan could get, when Jeonghan stopped coming to him, when Joshua stopped whining to him, when Jeonghan stopped teasing him, when Joshua stopped telling him his troubles. It stopped when Jeonghan stopped talking to him and when Joshua stopped talking to Jeonghan.

“No princess jokes. Got it.” Brandon turned back to the display, picking out a blue rhinestone encrusted headband. The bow was sickeningly blinged out and the ears were sequined beyond belief. “Here bro, now you’ll be a sparkly mouse,” he said, fitting them on Joshua’s head. Brandon gave him a thumbs up. “Perfect.”

Joshua forced out a laugh. “If you say so.” He started walking to the cash register. “You’re paying.”

“What? Dude. You’re the one who’s making bank now a days.”

“That’s why I paid to get us in. Annual passes even.” He laid it down, smiling at the cashier, jabbing a finger Brandon’s way. “He’s paying for it.”

“Of course sir. Your boyfriend?”

Joshua started laughing, hard, clutching at the counter. “Oh my gosh. No. Not that I have a problem with gays but no. He’s my brother from another mother. How nasty would that be.”

“Gee bro,” Brandon said, giving Joshua a dirty look. “Nice to know us doing the nasty is disgusting to you. But yea no. I’ve seen this kid through so much shit it’s not even funny. Can’t be attracted to this guy. Nope.” He handed over his credit card, signing the receipt.

“I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s ok,” Joshua petered out from his crouched position. “It’s just really funny.”

“Will you be wearing this now?”

“Yea, he’ll be wearing it all day,” watching the cashier cut off the tag. “Thank you.” He kicked at Joshua, “Come on bro. Get up off the floor. It’s not funny anymore.”

Joshua got up slowly, letting little giggles escape his mouth. “It is. But ok,” letting Brandon put the headband on him. “Thanks,” he said to the cashier, waving as they walked out.

“Splash mountain, here we come!”

* * *

“You screamed,” Joshua said, pushing Brandon while they waited in line for the ice cream cart, laughing at him.

“I did not,” Brandon declared, pushing Joshua back.

“You totally did. The picture of us going down. You had your mouth open and I sat next to you, you liar.”

“Liar, excuse you—“

“Excuse me,” a voice rang out.

The two of them turned. It was a girl and her friend, clutching her phone. Ah, a fan, Joshua thought.

“Are you Joshua from Seventeen?”

Joshua smiled, “Yea.”

“Can we take a picture?” Her friend let out a little squeal.

“Of course.” Joshua turned to Brandon, “Brandon?”

“Yea, yea designated picture taker.” He stepped out of line going to the girls, “Thank you. I’ll be sure to take some nice photos.”

The girls ran to Joshua, one on either side. He smiled at the phone.

“Smile pretty now,” Brandon said, snapping a picture. “Perfect.”

The girls took the phone back, looking at the picture. “Thank you,” they said gushing.

Laughing Joshua replied, “No problem. Just one favor?”

“Anything,” the red head breathed.

“Wait until you go home to post it can you? I want to enjoy my Disneyland trip a bit more.”

“Of course,” she said nodding.

“Thanks. I’d sign something for you but I don’t keep that stuff on me.”

“No,” they said. “A picture is perfect.” They bowed a little and scurried off.

“Well the first fans of the day,” Brandon said as they got to the front of the line.

“One mickey mouse bar and one micky mouse stick please,” Joshua said, handing the guy a $20. “Thank you,” he replied as he got the ice cream. Walking to a bench he sat down, handing Brandon the bar. “Yea well at least it was only the two so far. We’re lucky to have not been mobbed. But then again I’m not the most popular in the group.”

Brandon jabbed him in the gut. “You’ve been acting a lot lately. I’m pretty sure your popularity has gone up. Don’t be such a downer. Eat your ice cream.”

“I got it mom,” Joshua deadpanned, biting into the mickey head.

“Mom? You little—“

Joshua laughed, moving away from him as his friend tried to poke him.

* * *

“Stop jabbing me. The fireworks will start soon,” Brandon said.

“I’ll stop jabbing you when you stop making me take photos with all the Disney characters we find.”

“I sent them to your phone already. Post a few for your fans. They’ll eat it up. Like that selfie you took earlier.”

“You’re like an embarrassing mom who wants to document every little thing,” Joshua complained.

“That’s because you don’t like having photos so I have to document them for you. Which is weird for a guy with your occupation. Just saying,” Brandon replied side eyeing him.

“Shush. The fireworks are starting.”

“Oh. Now look who’s being all hoity toity.”

Joshua stabbed him in the gut with his hand as the first firework went off. He stared as the light show started going off and the music started playing. It was beautiful. The patterns in the night sky, the music, the light breeze. It would’ve been nice to hang out with the guys like this. Too bad.

He let out a gasp as Brandon jabbed him back a little too hard, getting him out of his haze.

“Hey. It’s your favorite song Elsa.” Brandon started to lip sing Let it go at him, waving his arms around exaggeratedly.

Joshua frowned and poked at him, but Brandon wrapped his arm around his shoulders still lip singing. Sighing Joshua gave in and started to sing. He let his voice carry a bit, as the fireworks were loud and so were the people. It’s not like people could actually hear him. As the song died down, he took out his phone snapping a picture of the firework as it bloomed and died.

The show ended, people going towards the exit.

“Let’s wait until most of them are out. We can get some candy for you to stuff your face in.”

Joshua followed Brandon as he went into the candy store. Trailing away from Brandon he started picking out things to buy, stopping abruptly as he accidentally bumped into someone.

“Oh, sorry,” he said smiling down at them.

“Oh. You’re Joshua. You were in that movie Blackheart recently,” she said in Korean.

Startled Joshua stared at her. “Ye-yes I was.”

“You were pretty good. Hey can I have a picture?”

“Sure.” He moved closer as her friend took the picture. The woman bowing and thanking him as she walked away.

A hand patted him on the back. “Hey you found all your candy?” Brandon looked at him. “You ok?”

Snapping out of Joshua replied, “Yea. Yea. I’m good. Let me pay and we can get out of here.”

Brandon stared at him, Joshua could feel his eyes on his back as he meandered to the register.

In the car ride home he asked, “So what was up before we left?”

Joshua sighed, putting his head against the window. “Someone recognized me. But they called me Joshua. They recognized me from the last movie I acted in.”

“Ah,” Brandon said softly, voice carrying over the light music, as he drove down the highway. “It was bound to happen today.”

“Yea. I just thought I’d be able to not feel bad about being recognized as an actor and not as a member of Seventeen.”

Brandon ruffled his hair. “Well in two years depending on what you decide you may no longer be a member.”

The rest of way back to his apartment Joshua stayed silent.

* * *

In Korea:

Jeonghan scrolled through his twitter feed, absentmindedly liking tweets from his friends and checking things out. He stopped as he saw a post that was directed at their official twitter. Joshua and some fans. Looking at the English all he could make out was Disneyland and thank you.

Joshua had on a cute little headband. His face pretty as ever. The smile if he didn’t look at also cute. But Jeonghan knew Joshua’s expressions. Well, he thought he still did. The smile on his face looked strained. Just a bit.

Jeonghan sighed, chucking his phone to the side. Who the fuck was he kidding? He didn’t know how to tell Joshua’s expressions apart anymore. He couldn’t tell what was real or fake. Not anymore. Where the fuck did it all go wrong? When did they just stop caring about each other?

“Hey, is that Joshua hyung,” Dino asked, looking down at Jeonghan’s phone.

“Who else does it look like? A stranger? Considering how many times he’s been out of the house though he’s pretty much been a stranger.”

“He just has a lot more work recently. Can’t blame it on him,” Dino said maturely. “Oh Disneyland. No fair. He said he’d take us one day,” Dino pulled a face. He started scrolling down the feed. “A video?” Tapping the play button, he nearly dropped the phone, as loud noises started to play.

“What the?” Jeonghan said, getting up.

“A video. I think that’s Joshua hyung.”

Jeonghan moved over, staring down at his phone. The video was dark and loud but the person who recorded was close to him. Her hands were rather steady too. The caption was all caps and screaming about Joshua and singing. And how she managed to see him in real life but no pictures sad face emoji.

A short video clip of Joshua singing. Let it go? His voice was as mesmerizing as ever. When did he stop hearing that voice in his ear, whispering his name, yelling his name, screaming his name, moaning his name? When? When did he stop hearing that voice tell him that he loved Jeonghan?

His mind flashbacked to that day while it seemed unimportant and just one simple day, somehow he couldn’t help but feel it was the start of the breaking point for them.

“What’s wrong?”

“My voice,” Joshua said. He took a gulp of water, running through a minor warmup.

He was annoyed that day. He remembered. Joshua had been too busy with filming and rehearsals to be at practice with the rest of them and now they had to rest because of him. All that talking on camera seemed to strain his vocal chords a bit.

“Yea, well this is what happens when you’re too busy to practice with the unit. But it doesn’t really matter, you have very few lines as it is. Looks like you’ll be left behind one day since you’re so busy with your _acting_.”

The look on Joshua’s face for a spilt second; he looked devastated. But it happened so fast Jeonghan couldn’t help but think he imagined it.

“At least I’m making money on my own. Money that I don’t have to share,” Joshua snapped back.

From there it degenerated, the whole unit going at each other, but it felt like they were having a go against Joshua. Railing at him for missing too much practice, for not making the team his priority or so it felt.

Yea. Things started to be strained at that point.

Dino’s voice knocked him out of memory lane.

“Haven’t heard him sing in a long time. Not since the comeback, considering he's been busy with all his acting work. It’s nice,” Dino remarked.

“Yea. It’s great,” his voice echoing the same sentiment. Jeonghan looked at Dino, “Don’t you have something soon.”

“Oh yea. Better get going. Bye hyung,” Dino said waving.

Jeonghan took his phone back, and quietly bookmarked the tweet. He tapped a few things and soon that video was saved on his phone. In a moment of weakness, he went to check Joshua’s Instagram noticing that he posted two new things. Both from Disneyland. A selfie of him and that headband and then a picture of the fireworks. He only saved the selfie.

Why he saved any of these things he didn’t know. It’s not like they were even together anymore. One text, three weeks ago. I’m breaking up with you. No replies to Jeonghan’s questions. Calls going to voice mail. No call backs. It was enough to make him go crazy. But at the time he felt sort of apathetic over it. Somewhere down the line they stopped talking to each other. Stopped hugging, stopped kissing, stopped  loving.

If he thought about he could pick out what went wrong with their relationship and say that it was the both of them. But on some level he could see where he should’ve gotten up and gone to Joshua when he was clearly floundering. But Jeonghan didn’t. He let Joshua deal with his own problems. What sort of boyfriend did that? And now what did he have? Nothing.

He was a prince who lost his princess.

* * *

“All right,” the director yelled through his megaphone, “Remember, a devastated look on your face. If you can cry even better.”

Joshua nodded. He breathed in, let it go. Bringing up the feeling of absolute sadness, he looked up, waiting to the clap to go off.

“Scene 30, first take.”

“And start!”

The camera rolled, the music came on, Joshua stared soulfully at the camera, hand reaching out in a beseeching manner, as tears fell from one eye. Taking a step forward like he was supposed to, he still held out his hand, the tears starting to fall from both eyes, mouthing the words, “Please. Stay.”

“And cut!” The director yelled. “That’s a wrap! Good job everyone!”

Joshua dropped his hand. A stylist came running, dabbing at his eyes. He gave her a smile and took the box of tissues. “I got this. Don’t worry.” He started wiping the tears away, heart heavy.

“Wonderful job Joshua. Absolutely beautiful. The look on your face was just so distraught. It was perfect. And the tears. Great.”

“Thank you sir.”

“You’re free to go. In a few weeks the CF will be up.”

Joshua nodded. Bowing to all the staff before he left to go to the dressing room. Stripping, he hung the clothes back up, put his own on. He grabbed his phone, noticing the number of missed calls from Brandon.

Tapping his friend’s name, he waited.

“Finally,” Brandon moaned. “You’ll never guess who showed up on your doorstep.”

“My boss? Wait, he can’t. He’s the one who sent me the text about this CF filming today.” Joshua paused picking up his bag. Walking out he gave one more nod to the staff before getting into his car and backing out.

“Some of your group members are here,” Brandon said. “A Vernon, Hoshi, and Jun to be exact.”

Joshua stepped on the brakes abruptly, ignoring the beeping behind him. “What?” He started driving again, yelling into the speaker on his car. “No way? What the hell are they doing here?”

“They were worried so they came to see your ass. Vernon missed you. Now get your ass home to deal with this. I didn’t take time off to deal with group members who are worried about you.”

“I’m on my way. Hide the bottle of pills,” Joshua ordered.

“Got it.”

* * *

Taking a deep breath Brandon tried to recall the last several hours of his day. They got back here pretty late, Joshua saying to stay over since he was going to hang out with him tomorrow anyhow. And that Joshua would buy them breakfast in the morning. Come the morning Joshua got a call and a text about a job and off he went, leaving Brandon in his apartment. Fast forward a few hours, a few take out menus later, he heard a knock and ring and lots of Korean. He opened the door to see the people that his best friend was ignoring. Lovely.

“So let me get this straight,” he waved his hand around the three of them, “you all came because you were worried he pulled a runner?”

“No,” Vernon said, in English. “I was afraid he’d do something stupid.” Vernon looked at him like he was something ugly. “Which it looked like he did.”

“Whoa, whoa,” Brandon replied in Korean. “First I can speak Korean. I am Korean too thanks. And two I don’t like what you’re implying. Joshua isn’t dumb by any means. And three we’re not dating. He’s my best friend. Hell I think he mentioned me a few times. I’m Brandon.”

“Ah,” Hoshi said. “The best friend from that show we did a long time ago.”

“Yea. He said he mentioned me a few times.”

“Where is he?” Jun asked, pushing Vernon back into the couch since he seemed a little too aggressive.

“Work. Got a text from his CEO.” He got up going to the kitchen, when he saw that none of them were looking he silently grabbed the pills and plopped them into the drawer. Opening the fridge, he asked, “Anyone thirsty? Or hungry I guess? Ah maybe we should wait for Joshua to come back. He’ll be here soon.”

The sound of car turning off came through the window. “Speak of the devil. He’s home.”

They waited for him to slam the car door and up the stairs. Vernon got up and threw the door open before Joshua could even get his keys, pulling Joshua in to hug him.

“You asshole. What the fuck was with the silent treatment?”

Joshua stroked his head. “I was trying to get my thoughts straight,” he let out a small sound of pain as Vernon squeezed him harder, “it’s not working quite like I want it to.”

Hoshi walked over closing the door and locking it, before he too joined Vernon in hugging him. “You went awol and it seriously bugged me.”

“Junnie,” Joshua said, holding out a hand.

“You were gone for a long time,” Jun said, moving his arms around Hoshi and Vernon, putting his head on Joshua’s shoulder.

He let them hug him for a while longer before he said, “I’m not going back at the end of the month. I called the CEO to extend my vacation another month. I’m going to stay here right until I have to start promos and filming again.”

They pulled back. “What?!”

“Why?!”

“How come?!”

“Isn’t this enough time away from us for you to think?!”

Joshua wormed his way out of their hold. “It’s more serious than you think,” he said as he opened his fridge for a water bottle, ignoring Brandon’s worried look.

“How can we know it’s serious if you won’t tell us?” Vernon snapped.

“What exactly is going on?” Jun asked.

“Yea Josh.” Vernon crossed his arms. “Tell us.”

“You can’t feel it?!" He hissed.  "The fact that we’ve all drifted apart! It’s like we don’t care about each other anymore! I’ll see others not even talk to each other even when I know that we haven’t seen them in days! We’re all in one room and do you know what I see?! Everyone avoiding each other or some people grouping together leaving others alone! Like we somehow prioritized certain relationships with certain members over others!”

Jun looked stricken. Vernon’s eyes widened comically.

Joshua hit his hand on the marble countertop. “That’s only between all of us! Let me tell you how vocal unit is doing! Not well! If they’re not giving me the cold shoulder, I’ll hear snide remarks about my singing or how I’m prioritizing my acting career! That’s on a good day! On other days it’s everyone against each other! You want me to go on,” he screamed.

He took a breath, “If you want me to get personal I can. I’ll come home early some days and I don’t get so much as a hello!  And then when I have overseas work no one seems to talk to me even when I come home days later! Not a hi how are you doing! No nice to see you! Nothing! So you’ll excuse me if I still have to think shit through!”

Shit. He could feel his throat start to close up, his heart raced, his vision was blurring. Now wasn’t the time to have a panic attack. Clutching at the counter he gasped for breath. “Bra-Brandon.”

“Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit,” he said opening the drawer. Hurriedly he took the bottle out.

“What’s happening?!” Vernon yelled. He watched as the color from Joshua’s face seemed to just disappear.

“Hyung!?” Hoshi moved forward.

“Now isn’t the time! He’s having a panic attack! If he doesn’t take the pill he’ll pass out!” Brandon hastily opened the bottle, trying to shake out a pill. But he was too late.

Joshua’s throat closed up and he could feel himself close his eyes. The last thing he heard was Jun shout his name.


	3. Let's Talk you and I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't mean to paint seungkwan as the bad guy. they all did shitty stuff. i just didn't get to it. but looking at all the vocal unit members seungkwan is the most likely to be a the most cruel and cutting next to jeonghan himself. and yes i did use his insecurities against him cuz that's what gets people the most. I just needed to use someone and he definitely fits the bill once you strip away his caring nature.
> 
> i would've written more about the whole groups problems but it was getting long and i'm tired of putting myself in the mindset. it's hard on a person. so enjoy. comment and shizz if you want.

Hoshi’s phone rang, startling them as they waited for news on Joshua.

“Hello?” He asked. He picked up the phone without even looking at the caller id.

“Hey, you guys get there all right?” Scoups asked.

Hoshi rubbed Vernon’s back. “Yea. We got here all right.”

“Good. Got to Joshua’s yet?”

“Yea, we got there,” he said quietly.

“Hey you guys are only staying there a few days right? When are you guys coming back?” Scoups must be feeling antsy. Never had so many members gone overseas for a vacation. Alone.

“Not for a while. Joshua’s in the hospital,” Hoshi said quietly.

“What?! Why?!”

“He—“ Hoshi stopped, seeing Vernon shake his head. “Can’t tell you. Sorry.”

“What do you mean you can’t tell me? I’m the leader. I need to know if a member is feeling bad and why.”

“I think if you were watching you would’ve noticed that something was off. I was too busy and blind and now I’m regretting it,” he stopped as Vernon got up and motioned at him, “I gotta go now. They’re letting visitors in.”

“Hoshi! Hosh!” Scoups yelled as the line went dead.

* * *

Everything from the apartment to the hospital was a bit of a blur.

Jun rushed to catch Joshua, luckily he did.

“Shit! We got to get him to the hospital,” Brandon said, running to grab Joshua’s stuff, taking the bottle with him.

“Move!” He yelled at them. They trooped down the stairs, climbing into Brandon’s SUV. He sped out the driveway and down the street. The entire trip to the hospital he spat out curse word after curse word, breaking the speed limit the entire way.

The car screeched into emergency, the lot of them rushing in.

“He passed out from a panic attack! He’s barely breathing!”

From there Joshua was taken and they were told to sit down.

“Shit. Fuck shit. What do I tell his mom? He had to go to dinner with her.”

“She wouldn’t want her to worry,” Vernon said softly.

“No, he wouldn’t.” Brandon took out Joshua’s phone and texted her some bullshit about work, sorry mom.

“You know his passcode?” Hoshi asked quietly.

“Just for this phone. He’s been using this one since he got here. He turned off his other phone.”

“Is that how he’s been avoiding us,” Vernon asked.

“Pretty much.”

“He’s so light,” Jun said, breathing into his hands. “Joshua hyung was so light. When did he lose all that weight?”

Brandon shrugged. “He wouldn’t tell me anything beyond all the work he did, and some stuff about the issues with you guys.”

“You didn’t seem so shocked,” Hoshi probed. The fact that some outsider to the group knew more about Joshua’s current problems than them hit him hard.

“This happened before— “stopping as the three of them had various expressions of shock and horror on their faces. “Only once before. He’s been,” Brandon stopped again. “It’s not my place to tell.”

“The pills you mentioned, “Jun asked.

“For the panic attacks,” he replied back tersely.

“Do you know how long?” Vernon asked, twiddling his thumbs nervously.

“Also not my place to tell,” Brandon replied. Joshua would kill him if he told more than he should have.

“Then what do you know that you can tell us,” Jun snapped. This roundabout way of talking was getting on his nerves. This guy better get to the point.

“That you guys weren’t paying attention and shit happened,” Brandon snarled, eyeing them as he judged them. He deflated after a minute or two of staring, “Shit happened on your call and I couldn’t help him then and I still can’t.”

Those words shut them up until Hoshi got that call.

* * *

“How are you feeling?” Hoshi asked.

“Like I’m not dying,” Joshua croaked out.

The nurse came back in, interrupting. “Mr. Hong, the doctor will be in shortly. Be sure to call for a nurse if you need something.” She smiled at him. “I’d say it’s nice to see you again, but under the circumstances.”

“It’s ok Lila. It’s nice to see you guys too.”

“I’ll be back later.” She nodded to the rest of them leaving.

“What’s wrong with you?” Vernon asked.

Joshua wanted to avoid this situation since he found out what was wrong with him. The idea of telling them and having them wonder how he got like this in the first place was so very frightening. He was never good at admitting his weaknesses.

“I’ve been having panic attacks,” he stopped, biting his lip, “for quite some time.”

“That’s what happened earlier?” Jun asked. In his eyes, he remembered Joshua falling and him running to catch him.

“That was me passing out because of a panic attack. The attacks happen on and off,” he folded his hands on the hospital blanket. “My psychiatrist tells me I have them when the stressors that caused me to have the panic attacks in the first place get to me. Or in this case come straight to me,” he said with a depreciating smile. “I have pills for the attacks.”

“How did it all even start?”

Before Joshua could answer, the doctor came in. “Well, Mr. Hong it’s nice to see you again. Even if you had to pass out to come here.” He took the chart, “Have you been taking those pills?”

“Only when the attacks get that bad,” Joshua mumbled.

He flipped some pages, “Considering the pills I agree. But after the first one it seemed as if you doing rather well. What happened?”

“The things that caused me stress walked up to my doorstep,” Joshua said, spreading his hands towards Vernon, Jun, and Hoshi. “They wanted me to tell them why I was on vacation, then it happened.”

“You’re getting behavioral therapy as well?”

“Yea. Twice a week.”

“Well you can’t expect miracles Mr. Hong. You’ve only had treatment for three weeks. These things take time. And talking about the things that cause you the stress is key to get rid of them,” he said raising his eyebrow “no matter how much you hate to talk about them,” his voice full of scolding.

“Of course,” he whispered back, eyes down.

“I know it’s hard, but if you want to get better, you have to. Now we’ll hold you for a few more hours to see how things go and then you’re home free. I think we’ll give you a prescription for an inhaler. Temporarily as you sort out your problems. Visits to the hospital aren’t fun.”

The doctor left quietly.

“Can we talk at home?” Joshua asked softly.

“Here,” Hoshi said, “in case something happens. I want you to be somewhere where we can get help quickly.”

He sighed, leaning back into the pillows as they all found a place to sit. Vernon on the bed, Brandon on the window sill and on Jun and Hoshi on chairs.

“It’s hard to pinpoint when they actually started but if I think about it I can remember similar things happening like this last year. When my acting roles got bigger, when I got bigger. The expectations started getting bigger. People kept saying things online and in person.” He gripped his arms trembling, he hated talking about his personal feelings. “I felt the pressure to do well. Read one too many comments about how I should’ve just gone into acting and how I wasn’t good at singing anyhow,” he barked bitterly, “and how Seventeen would be fine without me.”

Joshua breathed deeply, “It was dumb but some of the comments were actually about my acting and so it helped. But those comments about me not needing to be in the group stuck in my head. Especially since my unit would rail at me for not putting enough time into practice. I tried my best. But when people are saying I’m useless and then having your own teammates tell you in an indirect way you’re not trying hard enough when you are,” he swallowed, “it gets to a person.”

“I started pouring more time into getting better, acting classes, vocal classes. I pushed myself hard, while the whole time my inner voice would tell me I had to do even better…” he trailed off, “or else I’d be left behind and all I would have left was the acting.” Joshua pulled his knees in, “Especially since the few times I felt so overwhelmed and actually tried to talk about it with one of you guys I was ignored,” he gave an ugly smile, “somewhere down the line it seemed like everyone was out for themselves and that didn’t help me either. I still wonder if it’s just in my head or it really is like you didn’t want me in the group anymore.”

“At one point I wanted to leave Seventeen behind and just focus on acting. But there were some good points and I couldn’t do that. Sometime between all of that I started feeling sick, losing my breath, dizziness. I came back home to LA for a vacation, only to find out I was having panic attacks because of my work, my own fears, and my own team. So, there’s all my weaknesses and issues spread out,” Joshua said in a depreciating manner.

“You could’ve talked to us,” Vernon said.

Snapping back at him, “About how I was feeling pressured? And have them tell me that I could slow it down? So I would be left with nothing again? No.” Joshua looked at him, “Acting was the only thing I had outside the group. I wasn’t going to drop it.”

“About your insecurities during our talk times. About how you felt like you were ignored,” Jun replied.

“It’s not like anyone was actually using it like we used too,” Joshua retorted.

Hoshi bit his lip, “True. It went from deep issues and talks to oh nothing’s wrong. When did we get so secretive?” He looked at Joshua, “Why didn’t you tell Jeonghan hyung?”

“Vernon didn’t tell you? I broke up with him. Our relationship was like the group, falling apart.”

“What are you going to do about this? You can’t stay here forever. You have to come back,” Jun said.

“I’m coming back. When I have to. I need to work out my head space.”

“With us,” they shot back.

“We’re part of your problem,” Vernon said.

“I’m not much a leader even if I don’t lead your unit if I can’t help my brothers,” Hoshi said.

“Some days I feel it too hyung,” Jun replied. “If I had known we would hang out more. You’re always needed.” He got up off the chair, hugging Joshua as his eyes started to shine with tears. “You’re always needed.”

* * *

Korea:

“Hoshi! Hosh!” Scoups yelled as the line went dead. “Shit!”

“What’s wrong?” Mingyu yelled running from his room when he heard Scoups curse.

“Joshua’s in the hospital! And Hoshi just hung up on me!”

“He’s where,” Jeonghan asked, coming back in from the backyard, “Joshua’s where?”

“Hospital,” Scoups said. “Hoshi said he’s in the hospital. And now none of them are answering their phone’s. Where’s everyone else?” He asked, looking around the house.

“Why?”

“We’re going to LA!” Seungcheol and Jeonghan yelled together.

* * *

“Your vitals are stable. You have your pills?”

Joshua nodded as Brandon shook the bottle.

“Here’s the prescription for that inhaler. It might prove to be useful,” he said handing it off. “You’re free to go Mr. Hong. Don’t let me see you again anytime soon. Or at all unless it’s on tv.”

“I’ll try my best doctor,” Joshua said with a sheepish smile.

“Talking works wonders. And releasing your anger is helpful at times too. It never does anyone well to bottle things up,” he said, voice lilting at the end, looking at Joshua meaningfully.

He nodded. “I’ll try.”

“Good. Those are my only recommendations. I look forward to seeing you in your new drama Mr. Hong.” The doctor waved leaving the room.

“They know who you are?” Vernon asked.

“The nurses looked me up when I came in the first time. Said I was too good looking to be a regular person. They told the doctor. They watched a few of my dramas I think.”

Jun nudged him with a wink. “Too good looking hyung? You sure you didn’t add that part yourself?”

Pushing Jun a bit, Joshua said, “No I didn’t. You’re the confident one.”

“You mean the overconfident one,” Hoshi said jokingly.

Jun pulled an offended face.

“It’s ok. We love you all the same. It’d be weird if you weren’t,” Joshua said snickering with Vernon.

“Yah,” Jun said with a roll of his eyes. “I’m not the overconfident one. I just know that I look great.”

The three of them started laughing.

* * *

“Hey,” Vernon said, rubbing the back of his head, “can we sleep with you tonight?”

Joshua smiled, “Like we used too?”

“Yea.”

He laughed. “Sure.” Turning to Brandon he raised an eyebrow in question.

“Nah man. I love you but no. I’m good with the guest bedroom. Night,” he said waving at them going into the room.

The other three followed Joshua into his room. It was a bedroom that came out straight from a home design magazine. There was only one personal decoration and it was a photo of Joshua and his family.

“It’s nicely designed,” Jun mentioned.

“I never had any time to put personal touches,” Joshua replied with a shrug. “If I was here it was for work or I was staying at my mom’s for like two days and then it was back to Korea. This is the longest I’ve been here since a long time. I’m actually thinking of investing in a bigger home here and renting it out when I’m not here.”

“Thinking about the future already?”

“Thinking about my future if we don’t renew and if I start losing momentum as an actor,” Joshua said.

“That’s a bad joke,” Vernon whispered.

Joshua sighed. “It’s not a joke. I have to think about these things.”

“How about we just sleep and worry about these things when we all get together? Because we have to talk about these issues,” Hoshi said, looking pointedly at Joshua. “I’m not going to lie. I felt a bit like I was being ignored too at times. But this is something to address to everyone.”

“Yea,” Joshua said, fluffing his pillows.

They all huddled close.

“Night.”

* * *

Joshua groaned as someone shook him awake. “Leave me alone. I’m on vacation.”

“I’m on vacation with you and I want to go to the beach,” Vernon said, smacking Joshua with a pillow.

“Argh!”

“What in the world are you two doing?” Jun asked as he got out of the shower.

“Waking him up,” Vernon said with a grin.

“Really? Looks like you’re hitting him,” Hoshi replied back with a small wave of the coffee cup in his hand.

“He is,” Joshua moaned, smashing his face into his pillow. “What happened to the cuddling crap?” He said words muffled by the pillow.

“None of that. Beach!” Vernon shouted.

“Fine,” he said rolling over. “Beach. Let’s roast and I’ll push you into the ocean.” He got up, shuffling to the bathroom. “Jun can help me throw you in.”

Jun laughed at the face Vernon pulled.

“Brandon said he was going to do some stuff and he’d be back later,” Hoshi said as Joshua walked by.

Joshua ruffled the back of his head. “Ok. He doesn’t need to stay around forever.”

“He’s just worried.”

Yawning into his hand, Joshua nodded. “I know.”

By the time Joshua came out from his shower, Hoshi, Jun, and Vernon had raided his fridge and cooked what looked to be toast and eggs.

“After all these years and this is all you three can cook?” Joshua joked.

“Ha. Ha. Ha. Josh. Not like you can do better,” Vernon retorted.

“I totally can. All those late nights coming home and finding everyone asleep. Had to cook for myself. Especially things that weren’t ramen since I needed my face for the next day.”

“Bullshit,” Vernon said incredulous.

Joshua laughed. “Don’t believe me. It’s fine. I prefer eating out anyhow.”

“Nah. You can’t say that and not expect me to ask you to cook for us,” Vernon said.

“Sure,” Joshua said with a smile, “back in Korea. You’re in LA,” he said spreading his arms, “there’s so many good restaurants. We have to eat out.”

“Promise,” he asked softly, putting more meaning into it than just a promise for food.

Joshua’s eyes softened. “Yea. Promise.”

* * *

As soon Joshua parked the car, Vernon got out and whooped.

“Beach!”

“Get the stuff out of the car before you go and run into the water,” Joshua said, opening the trunk. “And put lots of sunscreen on. I don’t need anyone burning.”

“Got it mom!” They yelled.

“You three aren’t funny at all.”

They laughed walking towards the sand to find a place to stick their umbrella.

An hour later, Joshua is pulling Vernon into the ocean while Hoshi and Jun watched and cheered from the sand. Fulling soaking Vernon, Joshua stood triumphant, laughing at his wet dog look. Right until Vernon grabbed him by his waist and hauled him in too.

The two of them kept shoving at each other as they walked through the sand to get back to the umbrella.

“I don’t know what’s more attractive, wet dog or wet cat? Jun how about you?”

“I like cats better. Sleek animals,” Jun said snapping a pic of Vernon and Joshua as he laid on the towel.

“Hey,” Vernon said, “I wonder how drowned hamster looks Josh.”

“You know what. I wonder too,” Joshua said with an evil glint in his eyes.

The two of them rushed at Hoshi grabbing him and taking him to the water with them, Jun following them laughing at Hoshi’s screams and yells. They threw him into the water, laughing as the wet hamster stood up, hair plastered to his face. Vernon and Joshua sneaked a look at Jun and pushed him as well, making for a wet fox. Hoshi and Jun pulled at them, making them fall in.

The four of them stood in the water as it ebbed and flowed, laughing into the sun.

* * *

They got back from the beach, as Joshua drove up the driveway he pushed up his sunglasses. Another car was parked in his driveway. He looked up seeing the rest of the group. He parked to the side making sure they had room to leave. There was no way he was dealing with all of this.

“Josh,” Vernon said, clasping his shoulder.

He turned and gave him a bitter smile. “Time to face the music it seems.” Joshua looked back at the other members some who waved enthusiastically. “Oh, look. My ex is here too. Lovely. Time to air out the dirty laundry.”

“They care,” Hoshi said.

“To what degree? And is there enough caring to keep us to renewal? Somehow I doubt it.”

“When did you get so cynical?” Jun said as they got out of the car.

“All that acting and seeing shit I didn’t want to see Jun. Don’t tell me you didn’t see shit either?”

Jun bit his lip as they walked to the stairs. “No. I saw stuff too.”

“Exactly.” He sighed, pushing his glasses on his head. “Hey, everyone. What are you doing here?”

“To see how you’re doing you idiot! They told me you were in the hospital and I was worried sick,” Scoups said, moving to hug Joshua hard.

Joshua let out a little oomph sound as his now skinny body took the weight of Scoup’s body. “Well. You can see I’m up and running again. Stay a few days and go on back to Korea.”

“Kicking us out already?” Jeonghan drawled.

Joshua literally almost died a day ago. He was done taking shit. “Oh fuck you Jeonghan. Did you even want to come and see me? Don’t lie now.” Joshua pushed Scoups off him. He weaved in and out of the members, jamming his key in and twisting the door open. “If you’re going to act like that, then really fuck off and go back to Korea.”

“Shua hyung,” Mingyu gasped. “You’re cursing. Why?”

“I’ve had a tiring few days Mingyu.” He gestured into his apartment. “So who wants to get out of the sun and into my air conditioned place?”

He heard a chorus of cheers, the members going in, finding seats.

Minghao sat at the island, the bottle of Joshua’s benzodiazepines sitting there. “What’s this hyung?”

“Something the hospital gave me,” Joshua said, moving fast to snatch it up.

“Are you ok?” He asked, holding on Joshua’s wrist.

Smiling down at Minghao he said, “Yea. I’m better.”

“Why were you in the hospital in the first place,” Scoups asked.

“I wasn’t in there long. Just a few hours. Do we have to talk about this? Why are all of you even here?”

“Hoshi hung up on me after he said you in the hospital. Why wouldn’t we be here? He never answered back,” Scoups said.

Joshua looked at Hoshi, giving him the stink eye for blabbing about him. “Well I’m doing better now.”

“We would still like to know why you even had to be in there,” Jeonghan said.

“Josh.” Vernon put a hand on his arm.

Joshua pulled away lightly. “I fainted,” he replied with a benign smile.

“How?”

“Constant work will do that to a person,” Seungkwan said snidely.

Joshua clenched his teeth. “At least I have work right now,” he snapped back. He honestly did not know what was up with Seungkwan and his little remarks. He always seemed to know where to dig the hardest.

“Well it’s great hyung, until you miss a lot of practice. It’s like you don’t care anymore.”

“Boo!” Vernon gasped.

“If you cared Seungkwan then maybe you wouldn’t take digs at me all the damn time,” Joshua snapped back. “The more you make remarks like that the less inclined I am to rearrange my schedule for practice.”

“Think you’re hot stuff now? People rise and fall. Who says you won’t be one of them? Without the group, you wouldn’t even have the job.”

“We’ll see won’t we,” Joshua said, pushing back at Seungkwan’s weak threats. “When it comes time for renewal and I won’t bother. Who’ll have work and who won’t.”

Everyone gasped.

“Hyung?!”

“Shua hyung?!”

“Calm down Joshua. Seungkwan doesn’t mean it,” Scoups tried to reason.

“Like he freaking doesn’t,” Joshua retorted back. “If you’re so desperate to know why I fainted Jeonghan well prime example there. Thanks to you guys coming at me I had some issues to deal with. Not to mention, with the way you all just sat there and watched I can see just how much you truly care.”

“Because Seungkwan was being a bit mean? And the fact that we didn’t want to get involved?”

Joshua gave an ugly smile. “When your own fucking teammates come at you and become your number one enemy by saying things that make you question why are you still with them it really gets to a person. Everyone’s unwillingness to get involved is pretty much telling since it seems none of us seem to give much of a rat’s ass about everyone else anymore.” He opened his hand waving it at everyone, “I bet you at least everyone can say at least three times where they wanted to talk or hang out and no one was paying attention or no one cared enough. We’re falling apart.”

“What does that have to do with you and the hospital?”

Joshua let out a harsh laugh. “A decent amount really. I backed myself into a corner due to my own fears and the fact that my own teammates only helped prey on those fears and drive me further past the edge of a cliff dealt a huge blow. That when I needed help I felt like I couldn’t ask anymore because no one, fucking cared,” he hissed, “because we fucking love each other right? I’ve been feeling the love a lot lately. Some nice remarks from Seungkwan and you, Jeonghan. Jihoon throwing in his frustrations too. DK being a pushover and following suit. It’s great.”

“Fame is getting to your head,” Seungkwan scoffed.

“No, Seungkwan fame is getting to your head. I’d gladly give it up if we could go back to normal and be happy again. But it doesn’t look like anyone cares enough to try. Because those nightly talks are more like oh I’m ok then let’s air out our problems. Because you’ve never brought up the fact that you’re just a bit jealous that I’m acting now and you’re not. So then you use your skill in singing against me. Thanks for that by the way. All of you really,” he said looking to each vocal unit member. “If anyone drives me to leave and not renew it’ll be the four of you first and then everyone else.”

“Enough!” Scoups yelled. “Stop fighting each other. And you’re wrong Shua.”

“Really now?” Joshua said with a poisonous smile. “When was the last time Mingyu came to you about his problems? Or Dino? Or the last time you went out some of them to drink and have fun? When was the last time Jihoon came to talk to you about his frustrations over music? When was the last time we all sat down for a dinner with all us at the table?”

He turned to Minghao. “When was the last time you came to one of us to talk about the limited amount of lines you got? Or the lack of steady work like Jun gets in China?”

He looked over to Wonwoo and Mingyu. “The last time you two hung out? The last time you had a deep conversation?”

Turning to Hoshi, “The last time BooSeokSoon trio had fun together? Or the last time performance unit came together to put together choreo rather than do it separately and then see how it worked like you did last time?”

 “Did anyone of you even see how some of us shrank into ourselves like it’s the first time we debuted because we no longer know where we stand within the group? When was the last time any of us said anything to each other? Besides a nod of the head or no glancing at all. When did we fall apart?”

Joshua could feel the onslaught of another panic attack. Fuck his life. “If you really absolutely need to know even after I’ve said all that and you can’t understand. Thanks to a host of problems, stress from the team being like this, and my own shit I’ve been having panic attacks,” he sucked in a deep breath, trying to keep himself from hyperventilating, “it causes shortness of breath, anxiety, feeling like I want to die, trembling and a host of other symptoms. I have to take pills,” he said shaking the bottle, clenching it tightly to hide the shaking in his hand, “to get them to stop. I’ve been having them for a year. Last year. But I don’t think any of you even noticed because we all had our heads so far up our own asses we didn’t give a shit.”

He started to sway. Grabbing onto the counter Joshua said harshly, “So fuck you Scoups if I’m not going to take the shit Seungkwan said as a joke. And Seungkwan you just might get your wish of me being gone. Vernon I take back what I said about renewal. It’s a definite no.” He let out a raspy gasp.

“Josh!”

Joshua tried prying open the bottle with his shaking hands but he couldn’t. The top ripped open, pills going everywhere. Joshua cried out.

Hoshi ran picking one up, holding his hand to Joshua’s mouth. Joshua tried to down it but his throat picked the most inconvenient times to try and close up on him. Coughing hard he swallowed it, forcing it pass the tightness in his throat. He swayed, the dizziness getting to him. From the corner of his eyes he could see the look of horror on everyone’s faces.

Scoups got up first from the stupor. “What’s wrong?!”

“He’s having another panic attack,” Jun snapped.

“Bedroom,” Joshua said to Vernon. He grabbed Joshua and hauled his ass down the hallway, a flurry of footsteps following them.

Depositing him on the bed he asked, “Inhaler?”

“No. Get Jun to call Brandon,” he said, breathing getting shorter. Trembling on top of his blankets, Joshua felt like he wanted to die. He knew it was a symptom but damn it, it hurt. He breathed slowly, in and out like he was taught. He tried ignoring all the sounds around him but they were being so loud he couldn’t even count in his head.

“Shut up!” He groaned. “Shit. Where’s Brandon when I need him?”

Jeonghan was already unsettled watching Joshua tremble and nearly fall earlier. But now he was calling for some other guy. He’d be lying if he didn’t feel the tiniest of bit of jealously. Before when Joshua needed to destress or calm down, it was always Jeonghan that was called.

Vernon moved over to him. “What do you need?”

His breathing was getting ragged again. “I need you to breathe for me. You start and I’ll copy you. Otherwise I’ll be like this until the medicine kicks in and my lungs hurt as it is.”

“Got it. Slow?”

He nodded.

Vernon breathed in deep and let it out. Joshua tried following but his breath caught in his throat. Weakly he motioned Vernon to keep going. But it didn’t seem to help. His breathing wouldn’t sync up with Vernon’s.

Curling in on himself, Joshua let out a little whimper, his hands clutching on his shirt.

“Move,” Jeonghan said, pushing Vernon lightly out of the way. Kneeling on the floor, Jeonghan reached out for him. “Give me your hands Shua.”

“No,” Joshua groaned.

“It’s for your own good,” he responded. Lightly Jeonghan removed Joshua’s tight grip from his shirt, surprised at how weak Joshua was and how he couldn’t fight him off. He let Joshua squeeze his hands hard. “Look at me, please.”

Joshua shook his head not trusting Jeonghan any longer.

“Look at me,” he commanded.

Joshua opened his eyes, looking at Jeonghan. And for the first time in a long time he saw those eyes look at him and not through him.

“Good. Now slowly ok?”

He nodded, letting out a little gasp.

Jeonghan took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Joshua breathed in, the air stuttering out. “I got you,” Jeonghan said

Jeonghan repeated, and Joshua followed. After what seemed to be minutes, Joshua’s breathing slowly evened out as it synced with Jeonghan’s steady in and out motion. He was no longer gasping for air.

“There,” Jeonghan said, smiling at him in relief. “I got you,” holding onto Joshua’s hands tightly. “I got you.”

Joshua started to close his eyes. The whole day was sinking in and he was tired: from playing on the beach, from the fight in his apartment, and from yet another panic attack. He’d deal with all the problems later when he was feeling well.

* * *

“Is he sleeping,” Scoups whispered.

“Yea,” Jeonghan answered. “I’m gonna stay here with him.”

“Don’t,” Hoshi said, pulling at his shoulder.

“He needs me.”

“Where were you when this all started? When he needed you the most?” Jun asked.

“He won’t like it when he wakes up and he sees your face,” Hoshi replied.

Jeonghan opened his mouth only to close it. His lips thinned. “I’m here now,” he protested.

“Only because he’s been to the hospital twice this month already,” a voice said, ringing out through the silence. He walked into the room, moving past everyone to sit on the bed.

“And who are you?” Jeonghan asked defensively.

“The dude that’s been here since he came back. Brandon, his best friend. Now listen to Hoshi and let go. Go deal with your group issues. I’ll take care of him like I’ve been doing the last few weeks.” He shook his head at Joshua. Pulling his blankets on top of him, he added, “I’m pretty sure he’ll punch you in the face if he wakes up and you’re next to him.”

Jeonghan moved as if to lunge at him, but he was pulled back by Scoups who shook his head. “Listen to the guy. And maybe now would be good time to talk about why you two are on the rocks.”

“Something else to talk about on our very long list,” Jihoon murmured.

“Well if we actually talked about these things before we wouldn’t be in this situation,” Vernon snapped.

“Outside,” Brandon hissed. “Joshua’s had to deal with enough shit. Do this outside or better yet out of the country.”

“He needs to be there. Can’t really talk without him,” Wonwoo said.

“Then go out for dinner and maybe by the time you come back he’ll be awake for all the bullshit.”

They all gave each other looks: worried looks, looks downward in shame, blank looks.

“Leave. Now.”

* * *

“Wake up Sleeping Beauty. Your teammates are back. And ready to talk I think if the shuffling and minor yelling is anything to go by.”

“Shut up Brandon,” Joshua rasped. “Can I get some water please? My throat’s drier than the Sahara Desert.”

He got up and handed Joshua a water bottle. “Here. You good enough to talk with them. All I heard when I got back here is silence and you breathing hard. What happened?”

“I aired out some of our dirty laundry and I had another one.”

“Ready to deal with all that dirty laundry?”

“No,” he said bluntly. “But I have no choice.”

“That’s the Joshua I know. Go get’em tiger.”

“And you’ll be?”

“In the safety of my guest room on my phone. Holler if you need me.”

“I’ll have Vernon holler for me.”

“That works too.”

They parted way. Joshua heading into his living room and Brandon further down into the hall.

“Joshua!” They all cried out.

He heard a cacophony of how are you’s, are you ok, oh my god should you be up.

“I’m fine. I’ve done this before. I’m not going to break. Not anymore,” he said, walking to his fridge. He sighed looking at the empty state of it. Turning he was about to ask if Vernon or Hoshi got anything for him, only to be nearly smacked in the face with a bag by Mingyu. “Thanks.” He took the bag and sat down at the island, far away from them. “So let’s talk.”

“Will you be fine to talk?” Scoups asked.

“As long as I don’t get angry and stressed. The combination of the two makes me panic,” he said biting into the burger.

“Who wants to go first then?” Scoups said, addressing the whole group.

For a few seconds, everyone was silent, looking away from each other like they didn’t want to start.

Swallowing down a fry, Joshua asked, “Want me to begin?” He gave them the nastiest smile he could muster. Learned from one of his acting coworkers.

“If you’re good enough to,” Scoups said. Joshua knew he said it out of concern but shit. It was annoying for him to be so worried now after so long.

“I’m a big boy Coups. I handled myself decently on my own. Without all of you.” He couldn’t help but feel vindicated watching the majority of them flinch. Joshua turned to Seungkwan, who seemed to have enough shame to actually look guilty. “Why do you hate me Seungkwan? Jealous of the work I’m getting? Or do you just hate my guts now? I’m getting tired of you sniping at me and there’s two more years of the contract to go before we can go our separate ways.”

The other members stayed mum not wanting to get involved unless it got ugly. Those were the rules. Stay out until shit went down.

He was met with silence. He hated people who wanted to play with fire yet didn’t have the guts to be confronted. “Let me break it down then. You are jealous. Goodness knows why. I never wanted you to be. I never flaunted my work in front of you. Not on purpose anyway. I tried to make the practices and I even made up for the missed ones. Yet it doesn’t seem to be enough. Are you feeling insecure about your looks and how they wouldn’t get you an acting role?” Joshua knew where to cut to make it hurt the most. “Or were you afraid that your wonderful voice would fail you one day and I would overshadow you because of my popularity so then I’d get more lines?”

Seungkwan flinched, hard, and everyone saw it.

“Hit the nail on the head did I?” Joshua was purposely being mean and cruel. He’d enough of Seungkwan cutting him down. Sighing into his food Joshua sat up straighter looking at Seungkwan. “Grow up. Learn to love yourself more and say screw you to everyone who said you can’t act because you’re not classically handsome. You can. You just have to keep trying. And you know no matter how much I practice I can never reach your level of your voice, so calm the freak down and stop trying to hurt me.”

Seungkwan still kept his head down.

“Look at me,” Joshua snapped.

He lifted his head, tears streaming down his eyes.

“It hurts right? Me being mean and digging at your insecurities?”

Seungkwan nodded.

“Then how do you think I felt every time you did that to me because of your own insecurities? I may be good at hiding it,” he paused, a lump growing in his throat, “but it hurt me too. It hurt because I tried my best yet somehow you thought it was right to cut me down. I’d say I’m sorry for this but I’m only giving you smidgen of your own medicine.”

“I’m sorry,” he blubbered. Getting up he moved to Joshua, unsure if he would get hit if he tried to hug him. “I’m so sorry. I just. And everything. And I felt.”

Joshua pulled him in, letting him cry on his shoulder. “I know. I can’t forgive you for it. But I know you’re sorry.” He lifted Seungkwan’s crying face. “Stop putting yourself down. You are one of our main vocals and my popularity won’t take that away. You get to go on singing shows and other things I don’t get to. We’re not measuring our popularity. It’s not a competition.”

He nodded.

Joshua got the tissue box and shoved it at Seungkwan. “Now clean your face. Crying makes everyone puffy.”

Seungkwan let out a little laugh. “Ok.”

Everyone else let out a sigh of relief. One problem solved.

From there everyone started talking. Bringing up incidents. Yelling happened, punches were thrown, tears were shed. Slowly bit by bit, they opened up and tried to mend the bridges.

Everyone but Jeonghan and Joshua anyhow.

* * *

Someone in the group thought it was good idea to go to Disneyland. All thirteen of them. A time to reforge bonds. To get close again. Who said that? Oh wait. It was Scoups.

Well, Joshua wanted to kill him right now. Everyone was arguing about what to see first and what rides to go on first. Joshua cut through the yelling by smacking a few heads and shouting, “Shut up!”

Brandon, lucky Brandon, was made to be a chauffeur to get the rest of them there but he met up with other friends. Joshua’s lucky best friend didn’t have to deal with them.

“We will go to Splash mountain first since it’s always busy later on and then we’ll go by sections of park unless there’s a timed show that we need to catch. Got it?”

“Yes!” Some of them said, fist pumping in the air.

“Let’s go,” he said pointing inwards.

The rest of the day the group went from ride to ride, show to show, taking pictures with Disney characters, watching the parades, buying souvenirs, making their own lightsabers, Vernon and Dino, Mingyu and Scoups wanted in on that as well. It was eventful and full of laughs.

For once in a very long time it was like they were one and were actually having fun being together.

“We have to be here for the fireworks in a bit,” Joshua said as he started eating.

They had stopped for late dinner at one of the more swanky restaurants on the park.

“You mean from your Instagram post hyung?” Mingyu asked excitedly.

“Yea. Except it’s definitely more spectacular than my picture suggests.”

Jeonghan looked at Joshua, who ignored his stare. “There’s a video I saw of Joshua, Mingyu. A fan took it the last time he was here. Let me show you so you can get a feel for the show.”

The others started to crowd behind Jeonghan as the opened the tweet and video that accompanied it.

Joshua sat still as the video started to play and loud noises were heard.

“Oh it is Joshua,” Hoshi said.

“He’s singing,” DK observed.

“That Frozen song,” Wonwoo said.

Jihoon made a hum. “You sound better than before. Rest do you well?”

“Yea,” Joshua replied.

“Looks fun,” Dino said, eyes sparkling. He remembered the video from the last time. He shook his head, not surprised that Jeonghan hyung had saved it. What he was more surprised at was that the two of them were like the Cold War, not talking at all. Which was immensely weird. He hoped they would resolve that soon.

* * *

All thirteen of them huddled together, leeching warmth from each other as the cool air started to blow, waiting for the firework show to start. Soon the intercoms went off and Walt Disney’s voice echoed through the park. They stood watching as the first firework was lit.

Somehow in the midst of the show Jeonghan moved from one end of the group to Joshua’s end. Coming from behind him, Jeonghan slid close to him, his chest of Joshua’s back.

Then Let it go started to play, DK and Seungkwan starting to sing low. Jeonghan sneaked his hand into Joshua’s, who tried to pull away but Jeonghan whispered into his ear, “Don’t let us go, please.”

 Joshua said nothing, as he tried to pull away but they were squished from either side. Instead he started mouthing the words again. As the show ended, Joshua yanked his hand out of Jeonghan’s hold. He moved away, leading everyone to the exit.

Arriving home, they started to all scramble for the three bathrooms in Joshua’s spacious apartment. He let them. He stared into the wall thinking about the sleeping arrangements until Jun came up from behind him saying, “Let’s sleep here,” motioning to the living room.

“You mean cram all of us here, in my living room?”

“Yea. Like we used to sleep.”

“I guess. Let me get pillows and stuff. Might not have enough.”

Jun followed him, helping him with the stuff. They laid down blankets and pillows, smiling at the nostalgia.

“How are we going to do sleeping arrangements—“ Scoups said, before cutting himself off as he saw the living room. He laughed. “Just like old times?”

“Yea,” Jun said, hanging onto Joshua.

“Cool. Let me tell everyone else.” He left the room, going back down the hall.

Joshua walked back to his room for a shower.

By the time he got out everyone was settling down, laughing and poking at each other. Just like they used too. He moved over to where Vernon and Minghao sat, ignoring the stare that followed him.

“Saved you a spot Josh.”

“Thanks Vernon.”

He then switched over to English. “You and you know didn’t…”

Joshua shook his head. “No. And I don’t think I want to.” While the group might be closing the rift, he wasn’t ready to close the one between him and Jeonghan. A dark part of him didn’t think they could ever close that hole. He leaned back, letting Minghao snuggle close.

Dimming the lights, he put down the remote, closing his eyes as the chatter died down.

* * *

The next day they headed to the beach for some sun and water. Given the number of members they managed to have enough for two teams for beach volleyball. The members scattered after a humiliating defeat, the losers having to pay for dinner later.

Mingyu, Minghao, and DK went back to the water. Seungkwan and Jihoon laid down for some more Z’s. Scoups and Vernon went to hit up the surfing classes. Wonwoo, Jun, and Hoshi went off to explore the beach some more. Dino went around looking at shells and swimming. Joshua sat on a chair and looked at towards the horizon, ignoring the steady presence of Jeonghan near him.

Ever since his last panic attack and the inevitable talk, he seemed to stick to Joshua like glue. During Disneyland, he was near or right next to Joshua at all times, no matter how he ignored him or made sure to move positions for rides. Now he still stuck to Joshua. It was getting on his nerves.

“Hey, can we talk?”

“No,” Joshua said.

“We need to talk,” Jeonghan insisted.

“I really don’t think we need to. My text should’ve sufficed. We’re done. Over with. Through.”

Jeonghan kept quiet after that.

As the sun went down, they all came back and moved over to the area where they rented for a bonfire. Lighting it, everyone huddled close, joking and talking.

Jeonghan moved close once again, this time grabbing Joshua’s hand.

“Talk to me. Please.”

“No.”

“Shua. We need to talk.”

Joshua snapped at Jeonghan, “Back off! Please!”  Yanking his hand out of Jeonghan’s hold he walked to his car, ignoring the shouts following him. He laid his head down on the wheel, taking slow breaths.

“Hey. What was that about?” Scoups asked.

“Vernon, tell him,” Joshua said absentmindedly getting lost in his own head.

“They broke up. Looks like Jeonghan hyung wants to talk but Josh doesn’t.”

A few gasps went around.

“I think you should talk to him hyung,” Wonwoo said quietly.

“There’s nothing left to talk about. We’re done. Over.”

“Jeonghan, you know looked worried when I told them that you were in hospital,” Scoups said. “And he wanted to stay with you when you fell asleep after your panic attack.”

“It means nothing,” Joshua scoffed. “He probably feels guilty.”

“He still cares,” Seungkwan said out of nowhere from behind the other guys. “He’s been stewing about it for the last few days.”

“And I don’t care anymore. So if you don’t mind. Leave me alone for a bit.”

“Joshua,” Scoups said.

“No Coups. I won’t,” he squeezed the wheel, “I won’t and you can’t make me.”

He sighed quietly, resigned. “Ok.”

He grabbed the other members and left Joshua to stew in his car alone.

Later that night as Joshua got out of the shower, he found it odd at how quiet it was. Walking into his living room he found it empty except for a note on the island. It said, “Talk to Jeonghan. We’re out for dinner. Called some taxis. We’ll bring you two something back. Don’t do anything nasty.”

“Shit!” He shouted.

“What’s wrong? Where’s everyone?” Jeonghan asked.

“They left us here. To talk things over,” he said shoving the paper into Jeonghan's chest.

“We should,” he said looking at Joshua, “talk things over.”

Joshua snarled at him. “Why are you being like this? I told you we’re over. Stop it,” he said slamming his hands on the counter.

“I don’t want us to be. Let’s talk about it.” Jeonghan said, staring straight back at Joshua.

Joshua moved back, away from the island to put more distance between him and Jeonghan. “Well then you shouldn’t have let it die,” he stopped, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustrations, “no wait that’s too harsh. We shouldn’t have let it die but we did.” He glared at Jeonghan,  “So leave it.”

“I can’t. it was stupid to let it go the way we did. You were always gone and I—”

“Well you didn’t help either,” Joshua said jumping in. It was like they were playing the blame game and if Jeonghan wanted to do that then they were both equally to blame on some level.

“No I didn’t. And it was wrong of me. To leave you when I knew you were having trouble. But you didn’t come to me,” he snapped back, moving closer to Joshua.

Joshua hadn’t. He hadn’t gone to him. Not after everything. He felt paralyzed with fear and he couldn’t.

“How could I when I knew you’d tell me to slow down? Or you’d tell me it was my fault. If you didn’t ignore me all together.” He pushed Jeonghan, “I knew you were tired too. I didn’t want to keep bothering you when I came home with my problems.”

“You should’ve. I wouldn’t have minded.” Jeonghan had been his confidant. His friend, his lover. Until it all spiraled out of control.

“Don’t lie. You would’ve.” Joshua knew better. He would complain on a small level and Joshua didn’t want that.

“Not from you. I would’ve soothed your fears over and over again had I known things would lead to this. I don’t want us to be apart.” His mouth twisted, “I’m lost without you. I was too stupid to not notice that I missed you. Princess,” Jeonghan said quietly.

“Don’t,” Joshua snapped, “I’m not your princess anymore. So don’t.” He took a step back. “Stop.”

Jeonghan moved close, grabbing him by the arms. “I’ll do anything. Just let us try again. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Should’ve said that a long time ago,” Joshua said, trying to wrench away from him. It was far too late.

“I let you go because it looked like you wanted to let me go. I’ll get on my knees and beg you. Please.”

“Don’t. Let it go,” he yelled.

“No. Don’t tell me it’s not worth it. I love you. And I sure as hell know you love me still too. What are you afraid of now?!”

Afraid? Joshua was afraid of a lot of things. But he powered through what he could. “That if we try again it won’t last. And we’ll break up and it’ll hurt. I’m tired of hurting Jeonghan. Especially because of you!” His heart was in shambles because of everything. If they didn’t work out, Joshua didn’t think he could take anymore battering of his heart.

“I can’t promise forever. I would if I could,” Jeonghan said, getting close. “You know I would,” he brought his face close to Joshua’s running his nose along his cheek. “You know I would do what I could to make you happy.”

Joshua could feel the start of a panic attack happening. “I can’t. I’m scared,” he said through short breaths.

“Breathe. Joshua breathe,” he said fiercely, looking at Joshua like he was the only thing in his world.  “I got you. I’ll be there when you’re afraid. You’ll be there when I’m afraid. We can do this together.”

Joshua shook his head.

Jeonghan pulled him in by the waist. “We can. Just believe in us one more time,” he said looking up as Joshua slowed down his breathing, slowly getting out of that panic attack.

“What if we don’t work out?”

“We know where we went wrong. We can avoid it by actually talking to each other. And learning how to bother each other. No matter if we’re tired. You’re mine and I’m yours. We just need to work at it again. Please Shua.”

He felt like crying again. He hated being emotional but after everything and now this he just felt so weak. “Promise?” He whispered. “That’ll we’ll work at it. And that we won’t make the same mistakes. And that it’ll be better.”

“Yes. Just give me the word and we’ll start over,” Jeonghan said, looking at him.

Joshua closed his eyes, letting a tiny sob escape his throat. Jeonghan sounded so sure. Dare he take the plunge once more.

“Joshua. I love you.”

Hearing that voice say those three words again made his heart skip a beat. He nodded, hugging Jeonghan back. “Love you too,” whispering it into his shoulder.

* * *

An hour later everyone else came back, letting themselves in quietly in case they heard the two of them doing the nasty. But as the door opened the whole place was quiet.

“Where are they?”

“Obviously not in the living room.”

“We don’t need that kind of sass now.”

“Joshua’s room?”

“Who’s going to be the victim?”

A chorus of groans rang through the room.

“Not me.”

“Not it.”

“You. You’re the leader and their hyung. You go look,” Jihoon said kicking Scoups lightly in the shin.

Scoups glared at him. “Fine.” Squaring his shoulders, he walked down the hall and silently opened Joshua’s door. Looking in he saw the two of them curled into each other, Jeonghan’s chin on Joshua’s head. Joshua’s head nestled in Jeonghan’s upper chest. The blanket over the both of them. He let out a sigh of relief. Backing out he went back into the living room.

“They’re sleeping. Together. Fully clothed. I think they solved their problem.”

“Thank god,” Vernon said.

“Indeed,” Wonwoo dittoed.

“We’re going to be all right,” Dino said, smile bright on his face.

“Yea maknae. We’re going to be all right,” Hoshi said.


	4. Extra: Dinner with Candles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Request: Walking Down That Path, Help I Don't Know Where to go where in Jeonghan tries his hardest to patch his and Joshua’s relationship back again after getting back from LA.

 Joshua spent his extra vacation month in LA. He did his house hunting, purchased a property that was rather swanky. He went to his therapist. He took the pills when necessary. He did this with Jeonghan by his side. While the others went home the week after, it seemed that Jeonghan asked for a vacation as well. It was in a bid to slowly knit up the gaping wound of their relationship

Joshua, in his own surprise, allowed Jeonghan to stay with him. He even allowed Jeonghan to sleep in the same bed. It was like they never hit that rough patch at all and had never broken up. Except that they were awkward with each other. Where kisses and touches would be the norm everything seemed stilted. Joshua recovered, slowly, but their relationship after that night seemed to hit a stand still. Neither of them seemed willing to push too far; Joshua out of fear, and Jeonghan out of the fear that he’d push Joshua too far.

They went back to Korea, together but still awkward.

And all the members knew it.

 

* * *

“How’s it going?” Scoups asked.

Jeonghan gave him a glare as if trying to dissuade him from asking any further questions.

“Not good,” Scoups nodded, “we can tell. Even if you two came back together you seem stiff around each other. Hard isn’t it to go back to being a couple?”

Jeonghan hissed at him. “If you have enough time to ask me questions why don’t you get yourself someone.”

“No need to be so aggressive. What’s the issue?”

“I don’t want to push him.”

“You pushed him into a corner before. Several corners, counters, and beds.”

Jeonghan lunged at him, knocking him to the floor.

Scoups coughed, slightly winded. “I was just joking. But you did. When you confessed, you drove him into a mental corner until you had him where you wanted. So, corner him again. Or romance him like you did before you freaking Casanova.”

Jeonghan pressed his weight down, laughing at the whine Scoups let out.

“You’re heavy. Get your fat ass off and romance your boyfriend.”

Jeonghan pushed his hand into Scoups’s gut as he got up, smiling devilishly as he heard a giant oof out of his friend.

“Get all the members out of the house for me to romance him.”

“Is that a request?” Scoups shouted as Jeonghan walked away, making plans in his head.

“No! It’s a demand! Do your job leader!”

 

* * *

Jeonghan waited on the sofa for Joshua to get home. Since he came back he had started the influx of publicity work for the last movie he filmed and the script readings for another one he had been signed to do. But Joshua texted him saying he’d be home in an hour. Watching the clock move to mark the next hour he let out a sigh of relief as he heard the door open.

“Hey,” Joshua said softly as he walked into the living room.

Normally at this point Jeonghan would get up and give him a kiss and maybe use his hand to cop a feel but it was still awkward.

“Where’s everyone?”

“Out. I decided we needed some alone time. Go wash up and go into the living room when you’re done. I have a surprise for you.”

Joshua blinked. “A surprise?”

Jeonghan nodded, “A surprise. We need it I think.”

Biting his lip, Joshua agreed, “Ok. I’ll be right back.”

 

* * *

Joshua descended the stairs, walking into the dining room. He paused as he saw the table decorated with lit candles and their nicest dishware. The room was low lit and romantic. He smiled. Jeonghan was recreating their first date. A cheesy candle lit dinner in their own house.

Jeonghan came in, plates of food in hand. He laid them on the table before pulling out a chair. “Here, have a seat.”

Giving Jeonghan a sweet smile, he sat down, as Jeonghan moved to the other side of the table to sit. “I,” he paused, “I wanted to start anew. A bit. I wanted to rebuild our intimacy, because we’re still so awkward. I hope I’m not over stepping my boundaries.”

Joshua shook his head, “No,” biting his lip he said, “I think I’m being too cautious myself. We could’ve had sex while we were in LA still but we didn’t even touch each other.” He reached out a hand, mentally stopping himself from yanking it back in fear.

Jeonghan reached across, interlocking their fingers. “Let’s go slow. Not as quick as we did the first time. We’ll build up to sex instead of going straight into it. I love you, regular sex or not.” He lifted Joshua’s hand, kissing the knuckles.

Shaking slightly Joshua nodded. “Ok,” he said softly. “Slow. Together.”

Jeonghan kissed his knuckles again to answer.


End file.
